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Every military branch thinks that they’re the best, the most important, and in their own way the hardest working. There are so many funny military jokes and jabs out there so it took me a while to compile a list of only the best.
Some of the jokes on this list you may not fully understand or appreciate unless you were actually in the military, but most of them I think anyone can appreciate.
What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?
In the Marines, they kill the scorpion. In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion. In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room. The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.
An officer calls a young Soldier to attention, scolding him for not attending camouflage training that morning. “Thank you, sir,” the Soldier responds.
What does ARMY mean to you? “A Recruiter Misled You.”
A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said: “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied: “Not me, Sarge…no sir!
“I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line.”
Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. “I never knew you had such a weak stomach,” I said. “It’s not weak,” he replied. “I’m throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.”
A little boy was staring in wonder at the names on a plaque in an old church. The pastor noticed him and asked, “What are you looking at, my son?”
The boy replied, “All those names up there. Who are they?”
The pastor smiled and said, “Why, they are the names of people from this congregation who died in the service.”
The little boy thought for a moment and then asked very quietly, “Which one? The 9:00 or the 11:00 service?”
After 35 years, General Green retired from the Army to fulfill his dream of bird hunting in his spare time. He got a new hunting dog and named it “Sarge.” The dog was incredible at pointing, flushing, and retrieving. General Green’s friends were so jealous that they offered huge amounts of cash to buy Sarge. But the general always refused, proudly saying that Sarge was the best bird dog he’d ever owned and that he couldn’t part with him for any price.
A year later, one of General Green’s friends visited and was surprised to find that he was breaking in a new dog.
Fearing the worst, the friend asked, “What happened to good old Sarge?”
The General looked sad. “I had to shoot him. My wife kept calling him Colonel, and pretty soon all the dog would do is sit on his ass and bark.”
An off-duty soldier took a train. When the train reached its first stop, a general walked in, and the soldier stood up. The General said, “At ease soldier, sit down.” The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, and the General once again said, “At ease soldier, sit down.” When the train reached its third stop, again, the soldier stood up. This time, the General looked at him and said, “You don’t have to salute every time we reach a stop.” The soldier replied, “I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.”
A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually, he realizes he’s the last man standing.
He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”
But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!”
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!”
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
Ben joins the military.
Recruitment sergeant: What would you like to achieve?
Ben: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: Are you insane?
Ben: Is that required?
How different military branches use the stars:
The Army sleeps beneath the stars.
The Navy uses the stars to navigate.
The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.
Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.
During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”
The company commander and the sergeant were in the field. As they go to bed for the night, the first sergeant said: “Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”
The commander said: “I see millions of stars.”
Sgt: “And what does that tell you, sir?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?”
Sgt: “Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent.”
A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”
“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”
Credits and Honorable Mentions
A lot of the jokes on this list I heard while I was in the Marines, but I want to give credit to our friends at ralleypoint.com and unijokes.com. Some of the jokes on this list I first read and on their websites.